Once upon a time there’s a young girl who promised herself not to fall in love except for the jodoh she will have. I know this might heard as a very naïve thought, but that just because the girl hasn’t met love that time. She lives with her great wall. She, still, permitted good friendship to enter her live though, include boys. One day a man, who she thought was her friend, fallen in love with her. She shutted down.
This girl was somehow fragile, body and emotionally. The kind of petite girl which you want to give her seat when you have one. She only allowed man to come near, if only they promise they will only stayed in the “friend” area. Some guys may see it cute, and try to be loved as much as possible. But, one day, a man refused, angried, and started to accuse her using him as a tool. She cried and then started to think the same thing too. Later on, another guy also claimed been played by her, saying she’s the reason why he’ll leaving from that ‘friendship’. She cried and cried. Man is a very confusing creature for her. During that definition time, there’s a man, her bestfriend, who she knew for the last five years, comforted her heart and saying everything will be okay. She then ended up loving this guy she grew up with, and she grew up never been more beautiful.
“Cuma satu pesan terakhir gw. Tolong jangan benci lelaki,” that was the last statement he gave her when he left her. Why he left her? Life. Life wanted him to live with other woman. She then lived the first months with tears. She cried everytime she looked at mirror, as she prepared this beautiful-lady for him. She cried everytime she looked at the mirror. She cried when she went to bed. She cried everytime she woke up. She was a fragile, skinny, longhaired girl.
One day, while sleeping, choked by her own tears, she decided she cannot take this side of her again. 3 am in the morning, she woke up and went to the kitchen sink. She cut her long black hair. And when she cut it, the tears stopped one by one, and by the time she finished, her tears stopped completely.
“Do you want to go out, grab out some coffee with me?” ask a guy one day. Normally, she would refuse it. She avoid went out alone with a guy before. She didn’t like the gossip after it. But then for the first time, she smiled, with her boyish cut-haired. “Sure,”.
Later on she learnt herself some dance choreography, and tried to produce more art than before. Later on she never afraid to fall in love, or at least sekedar bunga2, she enjoyed the feeling anyway(she used to afraid of it). People then started to see her differently. No, she wasn’t that fragile girl that they know before. She changed. She changed big, even she don’t know what strength turned her into her now.
Ever since, I never cried over love. Only if, I’ve fallen love approx 2 years to the same name. So I maybe would cry it, maybe for couple hours.
Ever since, I never smile if I don’t want to. I’m not the kind-soft-hearted girl that doesn’t want people feel awkward around me. If I’m not smiling, you should be awkward near me, or better yet, moved abit away.
Ever since, I’ve grown my long black hair again, with self respect and self love now. But no, that fragile girl I used to see, I never see her again. I only see a beautiful tough lady who love and respect herself, and I'm so damn proud of her.
Ever since, I become more feminist than before. Maybe because I finally could love my-whole-self now. I hate being tolerant while he not put any tolerance on me. Don’t put your effort if you don’t want to.
Ever since, I become hard. But somehow I don’t mind it.
Ever since, I look for quality. I don’t care if good quality is high price and long fight or long waiting, if I want some quality, I will fight for it.
What kind of quality? “Kesetiaan”.
So, I just write about myself.
Just for me to remember, it was a long way to be me now, and keep growing is the key.
Never underestimate yourself. Grow, and smile beautiful as always.