The Antagonist

Wednesday, February 8, 2012
As some of you who know me from my earlier twenthies probably know that I have some kind of –flip character changing- at my 25th-ish, Before I was such a,, ladylike weak. I cried when someone is cried. I felt guilt whenever (particularly) guys said it was my fault. Later on I’ve been used to get antagonist role in my life drama. They say, life is the best medicine, so probably life want me grew into a stronger woman.

I’m gonna tell you a story. The essence story itself is something that will I write at the end, not the story itself. Some would might read it as unrelated, but I use the story just for something to be imagine, to be understand, not all antagonist role hold the blame and fault. The hidden truth is what we should be aware of.

I went to Japan in my earlier twenthies, meet a sempai ( at my university and we had kind of fling. Not necessary a falling love story, let’s say we just have a fling. But then, after 3 days tried to work it out, my and my instant-judgemeent-feeling character (this, I still have it in my blood) told I want to stop. I mean, stop trying to work it out. I ended up didn’t like him at day 3, and I actually forgot why)))))) anyway, after that he threw tantrum and sent me couple scarry emails. Since I’m so “fragile” that time, I went couple days crying. For guilt. But afterawhile I changed my character a bith braver and gothic XD I remember I used to wear a looot of eyeliner that time))) after one semester I became 90degree different (not yet 180degree). I grew stronger.

Later on after we welcome new kohai( Indonesia, I heard that there’s a kohai girl “looking for” me. Not necessary looking for the me, since she was asking, “Do you know Mei Sempai? Can you tell me abit about her?” later on I found out, that the fling that I have with my sempai, is when he has “it’scomplicated” relationship with this deary girl. You can imagine what came next. My name. My reputation, is ruined cause who-knows what that sempai told her, and what she told to the indonesian students’ crowd. Some of my good friends knew the real story, but I doubt other.

So to make the story short, she ended up (a lil bit?) hated me. Especially when I didn’t want to tell her what exactly happened that time. I mean, telling a girl, “your guy was flirting with me” is kinda not cool. So instead I told her, “He was musibah for me, and he was a mistake,”. But I guess that answer didn’t deliver.
That time I do praying for the world to open the card. For my name, for my reputation. I couldn’t go out to the crowd and tell them what really happened, not to forget, every of us has our own point of view, and God know that my sempai could give his point of view—which also right(from this point of view). So that time, I just wait, and praying for the world to open the card. And it happened.

The long awkward and abit hating deary girl then finally realized, we’re just dealing with a mistake.That guy, is a mistake. Later on abit before my graduation, she asked me, “I full of revenge, how could I forgive him?” that time I (who already busy with other dramatic love story) answered, “Move on is the best revenge”.
Can you see? that antagonist might be look like antagonist, if only you haven’t been in the same situation with her. Once you’re in the same shoes with her. You know that she’s only the quiet protagonist.

Do you know why I keep my mouth shut? I might be angry, cursing, saying that someone is a mistake and I was dumb to trust him, bla bla bla, but you can never see me saying what really, what exactly, in detailed what happened that make me feel that way. Coz I believe, not all the mistaken (guy) that I meet, is a mistaken for you. Put a side about love and other dramatic feeling, the point is just about is he a mistake for you, or not? So I don’t buy other felt their love is bigger or purer than mine and bla bla bla. The point is, is he being a mistake for you or not. If not, then go on, even if he doesn’t love you as much as he loves me (this is only an example. Don’t raise your eyebrow like that. lol).

Anyway, I still chat and consult almost about anything with a guy that ‘supposed’ to marry with me. The same case with my apato east-european neighbor guy that made me cried alot (for all the drama we made:p oh do we’re so young at that time:p I guess both of us love drama), we still contact each other to check on updates. I mean, I’m not the kind of girl who drop-over caring-feeling/friendship. Just because we’re not match to be a couple, doesn’t mean that we don’t match as friend/bestfriend. Ah, this can’t be happen if their gf/wife doesn’t like me tho’—tau dirilah gw. But thank God I met their girl and they kinda like me, they know I wont do any harm:p

Moving on is hard if I can’t find a mistake/flaws on the man. I must admit this. I need to find at least one fundamental difference (with me) that I found on him to be able to move on carefreely. And to make it shorter, I must admit, some might me see me as single, but my soul, wasn’t. I had this, perfect guy who I’ve been love, respect, and trust for these years growing up into thirthies. But tonight life wanted to give me another lessson. It lead me to the truth. A truth that made me woke up in the next morning, feeling empty for losing half of my good youngadulthood transition memory. I even can’t divided which one true and which aren’t. Everything looks like a lie now. Today I found him as a mistake, not because the broken end, but because the lie he applied from the first time. I never been feel this ashame, this humiliated in life. He hurt my pride badly for lying to me from the very first start.

Well, the good news is this is story about the past. So nothing will change the way I walk forward, except for the cautiousness, I guess. Nevertheless, with our without him in my life (nor my mind), I still found couple loves before. So I don’t worry too much. I have big heart:p Everyone has their own space.

The good thing is I have no one to compare with this time. There no longer Mr.Perfect Guy that would make other looks dull. Well, oh well, I just realized I let go couple love this couple months. So, 2012, my soul is officially single and available, make sure you grant me for another present for letting go my past :p

Ahahahahah, sorry for being melancholy in these couple post. Sometimes I need to let it out and move on to the next topic, and God knows I have tons project to be done:p Well, my heart never been this carefree before, maybe I did when I was 9 or so, :) so I guess, this is good? Lol. \m/ thank you life~ for the truth. I’m sorry if you found me shouting and angry last night, I mean, who wouldn’t:| after all this years? But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel grateful about the truth:) It really means a lot, and thank you.

The Quiet Protagonist aka The Antagonist