These couple days has been emotions-shake for me. I'm getting more more more more (and more) nervous since singingthumbelina would be launch soon. Fear, excited, fear, joy, fear, proud, mostly those are my emotions these day. But then, yesh, I have romantic relationship issue, not too significant since I, myself still focusing on SingingThumbelina launching. I guess if my brain is scanned every hour and so, you'll read "SingingThumbelina" word most of the time. But maybe because the problem itself is being put aside, I get teary when my mind is absent. And believe me my mind dont get absent easily. and when I do, that would be public awkward places, such as bus or bus shelter. orz. Well, I dont feel sad in my room, since I have works in my room. I dont feel sad when I'm walking to campus since I do think when I walk. In fact my brain seems more working when I'm walking. I dont feel sad whenever I look at my design book or look at my tablet, since the aura of SingingThumbelina is quite strong there:)))
So yesh, I'm quite shock having my eyes teary while I'm at campus bus. orz. Thank God for my big eye glasses. Then, I realized, there some emotions being hidden unconsiously. It is my habit whenever I thought something wrong, I try to look for the answer/the coping. I've been such a explosive bomb emotion when I was in my early 20s, that because my bad habit for repressed emotion. So I'm the generation who hate conservative mind who forbid people (especially kids) to get angry. Angry is an emotion and way to communication. You dont forbid anger and label it as bad emotion, you need to learn to control it and teach your kids to control it, not to repressed it. Yah anyway, one of my theraphy now is to write it down and face my own feelings. So prepare I'm gonna write my true feeling, which I havent thought about (i think it while I write).
I was angry. Not with anyone. But with myself. I hated my decision and the failure I got. For someone who has this pride, it almost hurting for me to see me walked that way. I may accept failure in career and works quite easily, but failure in romantic relationship kinda hurt my ego and my pride. Somehow in that part, I disregard the process, something that I need to work it out.
After I was angry, the next feeling is sad. I see this abit as a wound. When I was early 20s, I blamed the guys and forbid myself to fallin the next love. As I got older, I see that blaming and hating guys is such a waste of time. Many guys also hated me I guess, but I see that as 'incompatible' stage. So instead hating and blaming, I see all these as 'incompatible' stage now. Well, that sound wise huh, but the side effect of sadness are anti social and emotional barrier. orz. I can even smile easily:( I dont look nice/pretty when I'm not smiling:( at this time, sometimes I, myself, even scare seeing my face on the mirror:))))) owh well..
After I being sad and emotional barrier-ing, the next stage is lonely. orz. I hate this feeling. The feeling that I still need to learn to cope. To be honest, my 80% friends is still single. I dont know why, but yes, I've these circles of girlfriends who almost 30, single, happy, So I dont really have excuse that I'm lonely. But yes, maybe because that sad feelings, I ended up chose to abit drawn and feel lonely.
There. I wrote it. Lol. Well, I need to accept any feeling to overcome it. I will not deny it. I accept the fact that I'm sad. Although in this romantic field, I've probably dried out my tears when I was in early 20s. I accept all the anger of me feeling stupid, I forgive myself and see it as a way to grow up. Despite all the slogan about strong woman and such, I accept the fact that I'm lonely. Not in a bad way, since I believe God has provided me my other half soul. We just havent met yet:)
Well, being single is also a big bless:3 for me, personally, being single is having the privillege to dream as high as i could possible dreamt:p Just like now, I'm wishing for my own billioner scientist entrepreneur:3 a scientist that do business:D such as Tony Stark (beside him being Iron Man) or Cal Lightman:3 ahooyy, that would be sweet combination of exact-brain and business strategy:) for me, a man with brain and passion in life is dang charming:))) I'm wishing one right now, aamiin.
Ohoy, that last paragraph makes me smile:) They say, at these ages, we running out alpha male, I say, we're waiting the alpha male more mature and settle, as we ourself is blooming ourself beautiful, deshou? (noted to myself). I lost my 4kg which I gained when I was in Japan:( I realized, I look too thin now, my friends complained alot. While girls at my age struggle to look thinner, I struggle NOT to look like junior high school kid-__- irony? Well, I need to remember to exercise more and take care my body and feel beautiful again:) YOSH. Wish me best;)