Forgive Me

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I just realized a bit painful thing today. I don’t know how to react, except crying. I’m crying for my ignorance. Lemme give you a clue about something harsh about me and my ignorance.

I didn’t know cancer is deadful. Not after it took my mom. Even after I heard “cancer” word, nope, I didn’t know. And my ignorance didn’t make me to even try to know about it. Some say I'm still damn young, I was 15 that time. But I see myself; ignorant and highly protect myself from any harmful truth that violate my convinient. 15yo should able to find out more about "cancer". I just didnt want to know about it. And I'm gonna holding the regret all of my life I guess. Harry Potter books make me cried alot. It full of things about growing-ache. There's one quote that I fully remembered, "Knowing a painful truth in time is better than when it's too late". I grew myself then, to accept any posibbly hurting truth in time than to avoid it. 

Back when I was in Japan, I know that one of my indonesian sempai has a frequent seizure, but I didn’t know which one. I didn’t know he’s one of my bestfriend. Oh yes, as stupid as that. Not more than one semester we’ve been so close. There’s a time I even joke about him not going to class. I even said he was lazy. Didn’t know that he was hospitalized in HK. And I didn’t even know he was not in Japan for couple weeks. The fact that he’s a 1,5 year older sempai, my same-year friends seems not talking much about him. Later then when I found out that; he was 'the' sempai, I was kinda furious about him not telling me (coz I’m afraid he has a seizure while I don’t know what’s wrong with him—as silly as that. I mean, at least I NEED to know how to handle when he has a seizure). He thought that I would knew from someone else; well, he seems to forgot that I was so damn anti social at that time. No one told me. So how I supposed to know? Yah that’s one time. It was ok, since I DIDN’T KNOW and he DIDN’T TELL ME. My ignorance kinda being balance with his secresy.

I just know one of my super-stupidity today. And I cried for my stupidity, I cried for my ignorance. Another one of my bestgirlfriend while I’m in Japan has told me about her health. I didn’t realized much until today. I’ve taken it too easy. She told me the name of the illness but I seems can’t remembered it back then. She told me that she has to take a medicine everyday and she can’t get tired. She said it with casual tone as if nothing to be fear at. I never know, until today, that she can possibly have failure muscle breathing that could take her to death. Now I know why she’s so calm and I always adore her calmness and maturity. I just found out, it was survival, since any explode emotion could harm her life. Oh yes, after about 4 years she told me, I just found out TODAY how critical her condition. I feel ashamed of myself. As it felt, Dear God, I cant possibly be more ignorant than this. Not to forget, she was the person who helped me a lot, through the growing-ache, she’s the one of the people who gave me strength at that time. I feel ashamed since I let distance (we live in different island), distant us now.

After I realized her illness(from article I bumped on), I contacted my other bestfriend here at jakarta and told her, whatever health condition she knows about herself, her family, or our circle friends, she needs to tell me, DETAILED. Coz I’m not the one who google sumthin without a further 'warning'. I told her, that I don’t want to be THIS ignorant, so I need to know things that I need to know. NO “CODING” MESSAGE, coz it seems that my ignorance didn’t get “coding” message.  

I realized, as I got older, I got more ignorant. Not after this couple day, I said to myself, it’s ok to be ignorant. There are things that are outside my reach and my capability. But now, exact now, I questioned myself. It seems that I grew abit too ignorant. And I need to work this out. Coz nothing hurt me more than “absency”. You probably can't imagine how long I possibly take regret of any “absency” that I made in life. My God, I always know I’m quite self-centered, but not after now, I realized, my self-center hurting me also. I need to appreciate things outside me MORE.

*slaps myself* You Mey, probably you’ve said you’re alright to grow without them, but who know, they probably need you to stay around. *cried* owh yeah, that line hurts. But I need to re-read it.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my ignorance. I’m sorry for my absency. I promise you, I’m gonna work this character out. I’ll try hard to be always there when you need me. I'll try hard to be always there even when you don't need me. Please forgive me.

PS: I need to write it ASAP to get it out from my exploding mind, so I can continue chasing deadlines:| 30ish hour to launching.

Ah, Mey.. you really need to know which way you’re growing yourself, indeed.


colson said...

Yours is a long and moving entry.

Though I can't claim to know much about the human heart and soul, I wonder whether you don't demand too much of yourself. Way too much.

After all ignorance is part of the human condition. A wise man once said 'the more we know the more we know we don't really know anything". Nobody is perfect, it's good enough to keep trying to be good. One should blame oneself for sometimes involuntary failing a friend or missing a clue and sometimes failing to be a Samaritan.