I'm Here.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I'm very protective when it coming to my heart. I don't know since when, but I have this fear of people might leaving me. Especially those who I love. I have this weakness on saying goodbye. One of my psycholog friend told me once, "You should try to change your word-chosing on "leaving". People aren't leaving. They're still at their place and you're on yours." then I tried to change my point of view.

The best training of saying goodbye that I had, was when I'm in Japan. I have some precious friends, some are not from Indonesia. So, there were several goodbye that has "I don't know if we'll ever meet again,"feeling. At first it was hurting me so much. But then I found the resolution key for my heart. "You might be leaving and we might not able to see each other again, but I will remember you. You'll be in my heart," Those friends that very precious in my heart, the ones that helped me grow. They're in my heart. Even if I only can see their updates via Facebook, but they remain living near, in my heart. Remain in the story that I shall give to my children :) 

Then I thought I was healed from that fear; well, maybe because I haven't felt this love dovey thing for years, I thought I grew stronger. But then recently I realized, I am not. I even can't make myself take one step forward. All I did was running away. Running and running away. I always thinking that I couldnt bear another goodbye for now. I don't know whether this because my old wounds or it's simply my character. So yes, I left, even before I ask anything, even before I smile. 

Couple days after I run away, I, by coincidence, heard a sad news from him; I was very sad. Not only because I feel him, but also because there I was, standing from far, not able to hold his hand, and say "you'll be okay," not even as a stranger-friend. It's almost feel like the same heart broken that I felt before I run away.

Then my Dad told me, "if you have something to say, you have to say it,". So then I took my chances. I'm using all the coincidences that life has brought me before--that I ignored, as a way, for me to at least give him the spell. The spell I've used all my life. I need him to know. After that, without knowing what actually happened on his side, I run away again. I'm too afraid even just to know his reaction.

But then, one day, by coincidence, I saw him again. It was the thirth time I felt my heart broken for the same person--usually I only allow once for all. Because he looked miserable. I almost couldn't recognise him. He used to be so bright. So bright he gave me the strength. The hope that I almost forgot.

So there I was, one night, calculated, predicted the pros and contras of road that I want to take. I realized there're higher risks if I come back, risks to stand a bit closer. The secrets that I keep inside might revealed by chances. I know that, and I kept telling to myself, "if you gonna do that, you gonna make sure you'll survive through out it. If you gonna do this, I don't want hear you saying, "I shouldn't do this or shouldn't do that," you chose doing it, so you'll have to accept the risk." So then, bismillah, I did it. I came back.

Some would say this all is a game. For me, this is a companion. In games, you win, you lost. In companion, all you'll have is a friend soul to through this. Written world is my world. I write. I express. well, I do speak a lot, but do remember, we have some weird circumstance to be start it. Let's take our time to figure things out.

Do you have that friend who you know that he'll be always there when you need him; that even only put him in mind you feel better cause you know you have him? Well, I am

I also know this may looks that I'm falling without safety net; but Dear let me tell you, at some point, if it needed, I will pull out my parachute. So don't you worry, and let me walk with you, at least for now.


Milex said...

so beautiful.

Putri Valentina said...

lovely sketch dear :D


Pip said...

Nice post and I totally have the fear of people leaving me too. I am always on guard since my Mom passed away 9 years ago suddenly and without warning. I haven't been the same since and always feel like I am going to be left behind. :( I try though to just keep going and live in the moment and focus on all the great things in life, but sometimes it can consume you and prevent you from loving fully out of the fear. Thanks for your comments on my blog dear, and I am now one of your new followers!

xx Easy Outfits, by Pip

Pip said...

Very nice post and I can relate about being on guard about the being left behind thing. I don't like goodbye's either! Thanks for all your comments dear, and I am now one of your newest followers! Have a good night!

xx Easy Outfits, by Pip

colson said...

Moving, tender, beautiful.

Zoya said...

great post:)
maybe we can follow each other?:*)

sara josephine - sartob said...

very touchy. i know that farewell feels so hard. cheer up hun ;) there's always a hello in every goodbye


Meilina Utomo said...

Thank you all \(^0^)/
@Pip: I feel you. Mine also passed away 15 years ago, and I also think this fear might because we really know what "left behind"'s feels:( I'm also try to work it out and brace the moment:) You too gambatte ne:)

Gabriella Wolf said...

Hello dear,
would you like to follow each other's blogs on facebook and bloglovin? Btw, love your blog's design, so chic!

Best wishes,

Diana Horsfall said...

beautiful http://differentcands.blogspot.kr/

Inge Lakawa said...

beautiful :D

visit my blog ^_^
My online store ^_^

Aloysia Adinda Nareswari said...

OMG your voice is just so beautiful! I suggest you to upload the full version, I really want to hear it <3


Anita said...

lovely blog :)

Anita said...

lovely blog :)


pretty :)


Ellyzabeth Tanaya said...

nice drawing!

Ellyzabeth Tanaya said...

nice picture!

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